Blind Date: a meeting between two people deemed by their friends as incapable of finding a partner on their own. Where wine is served with psychosis and rejection is personal.

A 10-minute play

SETTING: A bar. Two stools and a small table are centre stage.

FRASER enters a bar, looking around like he’s waiting for someone. Fraser tries to appear cool. He’s dressed badly, in crumpled shorts, Hawaiian shirt and thongs.

Another actor, who is FRASER’S INNER VOICE, is dressed exactly like Fraser. His demeanour is more edgy, jumpy. Many of their actions are in unison. Fraser’s expressions reflect the words of his inner voice.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
(looks into audience)
So… blond hair. Cute. That doesn’t narrow it down a lot. There’s a lot of cute blonds in Sydney. Mmmm, and brunettes? (pointing) Is that her? Oooh, not bad. Oh, Her boyfriend thinks so too. Sorry mate. Blind dates. They’re brutal. Even before they begin.

MCKENZIE enters, looking around nervously. She’s more dressed up. MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE is an actor dressed exactly as she is. Her demeanour is more brash.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
(looks into audience)
Quick scan. Don’t make eye contact. Loser…Leerer… Loser…Leerer.. That one’s a loser and a leerer. What am I doing here? Why did I let Lauren talk me into this.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Maybe she won’t show up. And everyone’s seen me, watching the entrance like I’m expecting someone, like a kid waiting for Santa. Is that guy smirking? He thinks no-one’s gonna show. Well, I’ll prove you wrong mate. Least I hope I will. Please please girl, turn up. And don’t be too much of a dog.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
If he doesn’t come, I can go home, have a bath, a hot chocolate, watch Breaking Bad. And no-one will be able to call me a sad workaholic closed off to romance. Please, whoever you are, don’t turn up.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Wait, blond hair, cute. That could be her?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
That guy’s looking at me. Oh, God, don’t let it be him.

FRASER
Mackenzie?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
It’s him.

MCKENZIE
You must be Fraser. Nice to meet you.

FRASER
You too.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
And he’s got green gunk stuck in his front teeth. I’m gonna kill Lauren for arranging this.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Next time I see Lauren, she is getting a big sloppy kiss for this. I mean look at the girl – she’s a Goddess. Do you see that now Jerk with the smirk!

FRASER
So, what would you like to drink?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Do they have hemlock here?

McKENZIE
A glass of sauvignon blanc, please.

FRASER
Sav blanc. Coming up.

He goes away over to the bar and looks back and waves. She nods, less enthusiastically.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Look at him. Wearing thongs, crumpled shorts and a Hawaiian shirt! Lauren said he was sweet, and smart. I should have realised – that’s dating code for Major Loser.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
She’s so gorgeous. Man. I wonder if we’ll end up at her place or mine later on. Maybe I should have tidied up before I came out. And when was the last time I changed my sheets? Was it.. this year? Hmmm. Better go to her place. And .. oo.. the sooner the better.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Look at that vacant expression. I bet he’s picturing me naked. I agreed to meet him for one drink. How fast can I drink it? There was that guy in the Guinness book of records who downed a pint in 2.4 seconds or something – so fast it was coming out of his nostrils. Could I do that?

Fraser returns to the table with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

FRASER
Look what I got.

McKENZIE
A bottle? How generous.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Shit! I’ll have to stay longer now.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Ha ha! She’ll have to stay longer now.

FRASER
Cheers.

MCKENZIE
Cheers.

They drink, then go quiet.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Uh-oh. Awkward silence. Stay cool. Breathe. Don’t rush in with nervous blabbering. It’s okay to just ‘be’ sometimes.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Well, here we are. Like detention in Miss Chapman’s room. Only not as much fun.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
(panic)
I can’t just be, what was I thinking? I have to be talkative, I have to be charming. But I can’t think of a thing to say. My mind’s gone blank. Completely blank. Like someone sucked out my brain.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
I’ll give him a few more minutes and then, I’m out of here. I can have Breaking Bad on by nine-thirty. Look at that expression- like someone vacuumed out his head.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
I don’t think I could speak anyway. My throat’s seized up. Maybe I’m allergic to something in the wine. The tannins. Do they have tannins in white wine? My throat’s closing, I can’t breathe.

McKENZIE notices him looking panicky and clutching his throat.

McKENZIE
So…how do you know Lauren?

FRASER
(clears throat)
Lauren?

McKENZIE
The girl who set us up.

FRASER
I met her through work.

Fraser goes back to staring.

MCKENZIE
And what do you do?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
It’s like pulling teeth?

FRASER
I’m a magician?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Hmmm? Might not be bad. I could get backstage passes, go to red carpet events, maybe one day he’ll perform at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

MCKENZIE
So, do you play theatres around Sydney?

FRASER
No. More backyards. I do children’s parties.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
What would he get paid for that? Five dollars an hour plus free food for the rabbit he pulls out of his hat.

FRASER
It’s just part-time thing till I finish my Maths Masters.

MCKENZIE
Interesting.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Bor-ing.

FRASER
What do you do?

McKENZIE
I’m in advertising.

FRASER
Really, that must be..

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Shallow.

FRASER
.. exciting.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
So she spends her days with guys in expensive suits, who flash gold credit cards about? So what? In her spare time, she probably likes simple things, like walking on the beach, or having picnics with leftover kids’ party food. Oh, who am I kidding. She’ll never hook up with me. Not unless it’s for a sympathy shag. Would I take charity sex? Well, du-uh.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
There’s that look again. I don’t know what I did to Lauren to deserve this. Maybe, it was that comment about her looking healthy. Everyone knows healthy, means fat.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
We must look so awkward. Sitting here, saying nothing.
I can feel people’s eyes on us, and their smirks. Enjoying the freak show are you all? The idiot with no brain on a date with the hot girl.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
It must look so obvious that we’re on a first date. I think those two women are talking about us. Laughing about us. Did one of them just say – losers. OMG, I have to get out of here.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Say something, anything. Quick.

MCKENZIE/FRASER
Is that the time?

She’s surprised he’s saying it, he’s surprised she is.

MCKENZIE
Do you have to be somewhere?

FRASER
No. You?

MCKENZIE
No.

They both sip in unison, in defeat.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
That clock can’t be right.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
We’ve only been here seven minutes! No way!

All four tap their watches as if to restart the clock. Sigh. No escape.

FRASER
So…McKenzie… you’re in advertising?

McKENZIE
Yes.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
And?

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
And?

FRASER
And.. is that what you always wanted to do?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Is he asking me about myself? This is …different.

McKENZIE
Well, advertising’s fun. But what I’d really like to do is write novels. Daft hey?

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
A writer? She’d sit round in her P.Js all day – struggle on a pittance from a publisher. Much more my style.

FRASER
That sounds great. And you know, a magician could be a great character in a story.

MCKENZIE
Is that so?

FRASER
A handsome, intelligent, cool magician. Kind of James Bond of the magic world.

MCKENZIE
Any thoughts on names?

FRASER
I don’t know..Fraser’s a good name. Or Fraser, the magnificient.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Cheeky. I like it.

MCKENZIE
Well, if I write about this, handsome magician, would you share a few trade secrets with me. Show me how to do some magic?

FRASER.
I could. But then I’d have to kill you.

The Inner voices acknowledge each other. McKenzie’s inner voice puts her hand up, like a hand on a window, and Fraser’s inner voice covers it with his.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
Am we flirting?

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
We’re flirting.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
He does have a nice smile.

McKENZIE
You’ve got something (indicates teeth) here.

FRASER
(light)
Oh. That’s embarrassing.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
(mega panic)
Ahhh. That’s it. I’m done. No more blind dates or dates or human contact of any kind for me. I’m grotesque. I’ll move out of the city, find a cave to live in, where no-one will have to look upon the hideous green tooth monster.

MCKENZIE
Nah, it happens to everyone. Don’t worry.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
Did she say that? Wow.

Raunchy music as the two Inner Voices dance with each other.

FRASER
So, what sort of books do you want to write?

McKENZIE
I’d like to write a thriller. A novel or a screenplay, Something character-driven and off-beat, like Breaking Bad.

FRASER
Breaking Bad? (tense pause)

Sound effect of a scratched record. Everyone looks tensely to Fraser to see what he says.

FRASER
I love that show.

MCKENZIE
Me too. I’m on season 4.

FRASER
I’ve done the whole series. And started again. It’s so..

McKENZIE/FRASER.
Gripping/fucking great.

No words, FRASER’S INNER VOICE and MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE dance together, dips, tango. It’s on. Minds align.

MCKENZIE
What do you say we take the wine and get out of here? We could drink it while we watch an episode of BB.

FRASER
At my place or yours?

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
I’m sure my sheets are cleaner.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
I’m sure her sheets are cleaner.

MCKENZIE/FRASER
Mine/Yours.

The two couples head off, holding hands and smiling at each other.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE
I wonder if this will lead to something.

FRASER’S INNER VOICE
I wonder if her boobs are real.

MCKENZIE’S INNER VOICE/FRASER’S INNER VOICE
There’s only one way to find out.

They exit.